The Chinese overseas have, overtime, showed resilience in the relative stability of their marriage compared to the local population. This fact, born out of the importance placed on the role of family in immigrant culture, helped combat loneliness and harness stability for couples within immigrant communities. What is surprising however is the fact that what was to act as threat to this stability was not the immigrant culture but the effects of traditional Chinese culture abroad.
The differences between cultures at home and abroad became clear recently when American husbands interviewed about their domestic relationships responded to the question, “If there is conflict between your parents and your wife, who do you stand by?” stated that for them it was not difficult to stand by the person most important to them. “Certainly, by my wife. For a married man, his wife is the most important person in his life.” But, for overseas Chinese, the picture can look different. The effect of interference from in-laws means that for a couple who once loved each other, divorce may be the only option. This is particularly true of the pressure placed on the family by the husband’s father and mother. The effects on the life of the marriage overseas can be understood as follows:
First, immigrant Chinese couples learn Western culture and begin to accept Western ways and behaviour, without consciously realising that this often goes contrary to the ways that their parents accept as traditional Chinese.
Second, it is accepted, by the son’s parents, that he should bear responsibility for supporting the family once it is appropriate to do so. However, the effort this takes on behalf of young couples can often be overlooked by the son’s parents.
Third, nearly all parents, brought overseas to be with their sons, feel a conflict between their desire for the motherland and their new environment, and the need to be near their son. In time, the effect of this causes arguments between parents and son and domestic disharmony naturally follows.
In the US, a Chinese president of a prominent life insurance company remarked on the state of the overseas Chinese marriage: “Over 90 percent of the overseas Chinese families are troubled by the conflict between mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law to varying degrees.” Yet, a lack of understanding and sympathy on behalf of other family members can make things even more difficult, leading in some cases to further poor communication. But it is a known fact that most Chinese men would not dare talk back to their parents. According to one wise 60-year-old: “The reason is that parents rarely see their sons as adult men. The family environment can make these Chinese men mentally immature.”
(China.org.cn by Li Xiao, February 13, 2003)
